Some thoughts on Age of Empires Online

I can only mention my disappointment at the route they’ve gone down with this incarnation of AoE. I thought AoE II was an upgrade on AoE I, but the Age of Mythology was a bit of a detour - sure, the graphics were gorgeous, but they seemed to go further down the route of a cheating AI, which I detest, and it seemed too easy to end up with no-loss or no-win minimax options compared to AoE II; I did appreciate more diversity in armies, though; it bugged me in AoE II that you’d have this diversity in special units and bonuses and backstories, but 90% of the units were identical.

And the Titans expansion was just absurd. Turtle, build Titan, butcher opposition.

AoE III’s shipments and cards seemed as much like a nod to collectible card games or something, which was a turn-off, but the building and unit diversity was great; on the other hand it felt like it inherited too many of Mythology’s balance and munchkin problems.

I was really intrigued to see what AoE IV was going to look like, and how they were going to handle what would presumably 20th-century combat options. And AoE V was supposed to be set in the future. And instead there’s this online junk.

I like being able to play games without other people, dammit. The Oatmeal’s comment is timely if unoriginal, but I’m not really that interested in EVERY. FUCKING. GAME. BEING. FUCKING. ONLINE. FUCKING. PVP. FUCKING. FOREVER. I would cheerfully pop the testicles of Carmack or whichever shithead made Quake 3 effectively multiplayer only, and later editions of UT likewise. It seemed to run up a flag for every lazy shitcock who couldn’t be bothered developing an AI or writing out a plot for their game to rally around. Games get shorter and shorter and thinner and thinner and I’m supposed to feel like a $US60 game is a great buy because when I’ve completed the joke 4 hour “single player campaign” I can go an immerse myself in a world of people who think Tourettes is lifestyle aspiration rather than a disorder? And pay-to-win is just the piss icing on that particular shit cake.

Fuck you, Microsoft. I want my fucking AoE IV, from Ensemble Studios. You shitheads.

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